I'm fat.
Ok, so I'm not really all that fat. Yet. But I'm certainly feel like I'm heading that way. As I mentioned last month, I got a gym membership and I'd like to report that I have actually been using it quite regularly. I'd also like to report that in that very same amount of time I have gained over fifteen pounds. Now that wouldn't be quite so bad except that nearly the entire bulk of the fifteen extra pounds has decided to take up residence in the inappropriately named "love handles" area, with the remainder commuting from the suburbs of my belly. The overall result is that I begin to take a shape not unlike a pear, and clothes that once fit with a nice sexy snuggness now tear at the seams. Take, for example, the shirt I am wearing in the photograph on my profile to your right. The photograph was taken over a year ago, when I was in England. I tried to put it on the other day and was only able to button it up with extreme effort and while holding my breath.
This cannot be. I will not allow it. For the first time in my life, I'm spending a great deal of time thinking about my weight, and imagining a middle-aged version of myself so grotesque and mis-shaped that nobody from my childhood recognizes me. As a result, I've become one of those people who is constantly worrying about how to lose weight. Suddenly, every other commercial on TV is advertising guaranteed weight loss programs; where did these adverts come from? Surely they were there before, but I never really payed any attention to the sheer volume of them until now, when their promises of slimness in just weeks, attractive bodies delivered in the shape of a can or a pill or an exercise bike appeal to my dwindling positive self-image. Now I understand why the weight loss market is such a cash cow, why people are willing to spend outrageous amounts of money for the elusive promise of perfect weight, perfect body, perfect, perfect, perfect... I sometimes feel that I would do or give anything to get rid of the feeling of my new-found weight hanging onto my body, like a parasite, nestling under my skin.
Let me tell you, this is quite a change for me. My whole life I've been used to just eating whatever I want, whenever I want, without worry that I'll regret it later when I look in the mirror and wonder how soon people will start asking me when the baby is due. Overnight I've turned into the sort of person who used to drive me crazy; the kind who looks at an offered desert or candy and exclaims, "Egad!! Are you crazy?? Do you have any idea how many calories are in that thing??" I've always been the scrawny kid with no fat (or muscle) so the idea of me having a big potbelly always seemed to me as unlikely as Fox News actually being "fair and balanced." (Oh come on, you know its true. Like any succesful TV show they know their audience and they play to that audience very well. Lets compare a story I heard in my car on NPR to the same story mentioned briefly two days later on Fox News, which I watched at work. The NPR story I have to paraphrase, but the FOX News headline is word for word.
NPR: The Supreme Court ruled today that cable companies do not have to grant access to their cable lines to smaller companies. A small company in California which attempts to compete with the big cable companies had filed a suit saying that by denying access to cable lines the cable companies were effectively removing competition and giving themselves an unfair advantage
on the market. The Court's decision denied the suit, which will make it extremely difficult for any smaller, local businesses to compete with the national cable companies. Experts say its highly likely that many of these smaller companies will eventually be driven out of the market, unable to compete, resulting in falling stocks and probable foreclosure.
(Two days later, during a quick break from the Natalie Halloway story:)
FOX NEWS: Coming up next, are activist judges trying to destroy YOUR stock portfolio? We'll have the details on a CONTROVERSIAL decision by the Supreme Court, after this short break...
In addition, Fox News has a show on every day called "Dayside with Linda Vester," which has the stern-faced Linda covering major stories in front of a middle-sized audience of everyday people. She regularly asks members of the audience's opinion on whatever story is being discussed, with the apparent aim of finding out what the common American thinks of any given issue. I wonder what sort of screening process one must go through to be on this show, because there are never any liberals or even moderates, no voices of dissent, and NEVER any minorities. In fact, everyday the audience seems to consist of white middle-aged women from the South, occaisionally with their husband dragged along. So when Linda asks questions like, "What do you think, audience? Is it OK to have the ten commandments displayed on government property?" the entire crowd responds in something close to "HELL YES!" and then collectively spits out some tobacco juice on the ground in perfect unison. After which, Linda would say something like "There you have it. America has spoken." But I digress.)
So, to make a long story short, I am taking action to keep this from going any further and, indeed, to reverse the effects until I am once again slim and sexy and eighteen. I am going to the gym every day now and walking on the treadmill for an hour. I'm trying to eat conservatively, and to have more small meals instead of three really big meals. Yesterday I saw the first fruits of my efforts. I had stopped my advancing weight and reversed it backwards two pounds. I will keep you all informed as the situation develops.
Coming up next, are activist judges trying to make YOU gain weight? We'll take you deep inside the massive liberal judiciary conspiracy, right after this commercial break.
Ok, so I'm not really all that fat. Yet. But I'm certainly feel like I'm heading that way. As I mentioned last month, I got a gym membership and I'd like to report that I have actually been using it quite regularly. I'd also like to report that in that very same amount of time I have gained over fifteen pounds. Now that wouldn't be quite so bad except that nearly the entire bulk of the fifteen extra pounds has decided to take up residence in the inappropriately named "love handles" area, with the remainder commuting from the suburbs of my belly. The overall result is that I begin to take a shape not unlike a pear, and clothes that once fit with a nice sexy snuggness now tear at the seams. Take, for example, the shirt I am wearing in the photograph on my profile to your right. The photograph was taken over a year ago, when I was in England. I tried to put it on the other day and was only able to button it up with extreme effort and while holding my breath.
This cannot be. I will not allow it. For the first time in my life, I'm spending a great deal of time thinking about my weight, and imagining a middle-aged version of myself so grotesque and mis-shaped that nobody from my childhood recognizes me. As a result, I've become one of those people who is constantly worrying about how to lose weight. Suddenly, every other commercial on TV is advertising guaranteed weight loss programs; where did these adverts come from? Surely they were there before, but I never really payed any attention to the sheer volume of them until now, when their promises of slimness in just weeks, attractive bodies delivered in the shape of a can or a pill or an exercise bike appeal to my dwindling positive self-image. Now I understand why the weight loss market is such a cash cow, why people are willing to spend outrageous amounts of money for the elusive promise of perfect weight, perfect body, perfect, perfect, perfect... I sometimes feel that I would do or give anything to get rid of the feeling of my new-found weight hanging onto my body, like a parasite, nestling under my skin.
Let me tell you, this is quite a change for me. My whole life I've been used to just eating whatever I want, whenever I want, without worry that I'll regret it later when I look in the mirror and wonder how soon people will start asking me when the baby is due. Overnight I've turned into the sort of person who used to drive me crazy; the kind who looks at an offered desert or candy and exclaims, "Egad!! Are you crazy?? Do you have any idea how many calories are in that thing??" I've always been the scrawny kid with no fat (or muscle) so the idea of me having a big potbelly always seemed to me as unlikely as Fox News actually being "fair and balanced." (Oh come on, you know its true. Like any succesful TV show they know their audience and they play to that audience very well. Lets compare a story I heard in my car on NPR to the same story mentioned briefly two days later on Fox News, which I watched at work. The NPR story I have to paraphrase, but the FOX News headline is word for word.
NPR: The Supreme Court ruled today that cable companies do not have to grant access to their cable lines to smaller companies. A small company in California which attempts to compete with the big cable companies had filed a suit saying that by denying access to cable lines the cable companies were effectively removing competition and giving themselves an unfair advantage
on the market. The Court's decision denied the suit, which will make it extremely difficult for any smaller, local businesses to compete with the national cable companies. Experts say its highly likely that many of these smaller companies will eventually be driven out of the market, unable to compete, resulting in falling stocks and probable foreclosure.
(Two days later, during a quick break from the Natalie Halloway story:)
FOX NEWS: Coming up next, are activist judges trying to destroy YOUR stock portfolio? We'll have the details on a CONTROVERSIAL decision by the Supreme Court, after this short break...
In addition, Fox News has a show on every day called "Dayside with Linda Vester," which has the stern-faced Linda covering major stories in front of a middle-sized audience of everyday people. She regularly asks members of the audience's opinion on whatever story is being discussed, with the apparent aim of finding out what the common American thinks of any given issue. I wonder what sort of screening process one must go through to be on this show, because there are never any liberals or even moderates, no voices of dissent, and NEVER any minorities. In fact, everyday the audience seems to consist of white middle-aged women from the South, occaisionally with their husband dragged along. So when Linda asks questions like, "What do you think, audience? Is it OK to have the ten commandments displayed on government property?" the entire crowd responds in something close to "HELL YES!" and then collectively spits out some tobacco juice on the ground in perfect unison. After which, Linda would say something like "There you have it. America has spoken." But I digress.)
So, to make a long story short, I am taking action to keep this from going any further and, indeed, to reverse the effects until I am once again slim and sexy and eighteen. I am going to the gym every day now and walking on the treadmill for an hour. I'm trying to eat conservatively, and to have more small meals instead of three really big meals. Yesterday I saw the first fruits of my efforts. I had stopped my advancing weight and reversed it backwards two pounds. I will keep you all informed as the situation develops.
Coming up next, are activist judges trying to make YOU gain weight? We'll take you deep inside the massive liberal judiciary conspiracy, right after this commercial break.
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