Needlessly Personal Self-Evaluation

I was once told that I have a tendency to analyze everything about myself; that I spend a great deal of time and energy trying to understand what I do and why I do it. I think that’s true, not only because the source of the comment was highly trustworthy (my former therapist) but because its something I have noticed about myself and have, ironically, tried to analyze.

In that spirit, I feel like blogging about a peculiar aspect of my personality that, due to some recent trivial events in my life, has been on my mind lately. I have this strange quirk which often exhibits itself. It is by no means unique, I’m sure, and at first doesn’t sound much like a bad thing, but it causes more problems than you might think. What I’m talking about is this: I often feel compelled to do what other people want me to, or be what other people want me to be, even when it goes against my personal desires. After all, what they want is clearly more important than what I want. And I'm so worried about hurting or disappointing them that I comply with their desires. For example, if a friend wants me to go with him to some activity to which I have no desire to go, the odds are very likely that I’ll go anyway, because that’s what he wants. If for some reason I don’t go, I torture myself with guilt afterwards.

This is by no means a surreptitious attempt to praise myself for my inherent altruistic nature. In the first place, it’s a selective phenomenon, and there are many times that I’m so wrapped up in myself that the thought of other people doesn’t even cross my mind. And in the second place, even when I do end up doing what other people want at expense of my own desires I’m almost always very bitter about it secretly. But the worst part of this, by far, is that it has by and large resulted in hurting people’s feelings very badly.

If there is something about me that is altruistic, its that I can’t stand the thought of people’s feelings being hurt because of me. I’m a good guy, I help people, I make them happy. I go crazy if I feel like I’ve been the bad guy in any given situation. This leads to a lot of deception. I lie to make the person happy. And if, by chance, I really don’t want to be in the situation and try to get myself out, I can’t just say “No,” or “This is how I feel,” I have to lie through my teeth to get out of it in a “graceful” way. I’m the king of pathetic excuses. But afterward I feel guilty for days both for lying and being so selfish.

This is a problem when it comes to mundane, everyday activities with buddies, but its really an issue when strong feelings are on the line. Lets say, for example, that somebody is desparate to be loved, to, indeed, have a boyfriend. They begin to be very flirty to me and send out signals. Odds are I don’t have any feelings in return for them except that of friendship. However, I can’t stand the idea of hurting them by totally shutting them down. So I play along a bit. I become what they want. I flirt back, in my way, and treat them special. They begin to feel like its true love and everything they’ve wanted and more. They ask me, “Why aren’t we dating yet?” at which point I make some kind of pathetic excuse. Eventually, the stakes are high and emotions are really invested and when pushed into a corner I have to admit that I don’t really have any desire to date and/or marry this person. This shocks them, because I had acted so amiable and because they only see what they want to see, and of course breaks their heart. This has actually happened to me. More than once. It also makes me easily manipulated. This has happened too.

I know, in my head, that I’m not doing anybody any favors by deceiving them this way. I know what years of children’s TV taught me: honesty is the best policy. Yet when it comes right down to it, I continue in this pattern almost sub-consciously. Even knowing it hurts people and, by hurting people, hurts me. I don’t think I’m a bad person. I have good intentions. I simply need to learn to be honest. I need to learn that you can’t go through life without letting people down sometimes, without hurting them a little. Trying to avoid that has only hurt people worse.

Oops, sorry. Your hour session is up. See you next week.