One website I like to visit frequently is mcsweeneys.net, where erudite and expressive people contribute short articles about varied subjects for the general amusement of all. One feature that you can contribute to is called "Open Letters to People or Entities That Are Unlikely To Respond." I suggest you check it out, I'm a big fan. I have written my own contribution based on a situation in my own life, slightly exagerated of course for comedic effect. I have now revised it and submitted it to the website. Thanks to everybody who gave me input! (4/6/06 Note: The editors "decided to pass" on my submission. Oh well.)
An Open Letter to My Persistent Yet Unwelcome Arch-Nemesis
Dear Arch-Nemesis,
When I was three-to-five years old, I loved the movie "Superman II." In my childish innocence I regarded it as far superior to its predecessor, a blatant example of the inability of young minds to make informed value judgments. Nevertheless, I could quote all the lines in the film and was known to run about the house in my underwear pretending to fly. Since that time, however, I have never really cast myself as the archetypical superhero. I don't tend to think of myself as the star of my own comic book series. You will understand, then, my confusion at your startling determination to become my arch-nemesis and foil me at every turn.
I'm flattered by the attention, of course, but frankly I don't have time to deal with an arch-villain in my life right now. When I make a list of my daily priorities, I don't particularly want you to show up next to more important items such as washing my underwear or finding some purpose in a fragmented world . In fact, I feel I have done as much as possible to relegate you to a position of non-importance and obscurity in all of my mental maneuvering. I would be more than happy to let you go about your evil and petty life without interference of any kind. Live and let live, I say. Yet, for reasons that I cannot fully understand, you are clearly unsatisfied with any arrangement short of a battle to the death.
Not that you've been openly antagonistic. On the contrary, you've taken great care to treat me with warmth and congeniality whenever we actually meet in person. I can see right through you, Arch-Nemesis. I know what you say about me when I'm not around. I know how you actively seek my downfall through whatever means lie within your power. Oh, I know too well; I've got people. This false pretense of kindness, therefore, only makes you more reprehensible and bizarre. At least General Zod was straightforward. He never told Superman how happy he was for him, or how he hoped things would work out for the best. He just openly tried to kill him on several occasions. I can admire that kind of frankness. And when an exiled Kryptonian criminal bent on world-domination seems somehow more likeable than you, I think its time for some urgent self-evaluation.
I've spent some time lately trying to fathom your motives. As far as I can tell, I've done no egregious wrong to you or someone close to you. I've made no attempt to interfere with your elaborate and self-serving plans. When we first met each other in that acting class almost three years ago, there were never any signs of strained feelings between us. My interactions with you since then have always been limited and brief. You must understand that, from my point of view, your apparent hatred of me and everything I stand for seems a bit rash and unfounded. Perhaps you were simply in need of somebody to focus all the negative energies of your life on and I was in the right place at the right time. Am I just your emotional punching bag? If so, maybe you should focus on practicing the techniques you learned when you inexplicably started showing up to the yoga class I was taking. You'll feel much better, believe me.
Alternatively, it is possible, I suppose, that this ill-will is simply a cover for other, more complicated feelings that frighten you. After all, the strong passions you apparently hold for me indicate some kind of attachment beyond the friendly antagonism of Clark Kent and Perry White, if you catch my drift. Forgive my intrusion on such a delicate matter, but if you are experiencing confusion with your sexuality then I suggest you seek guidance from friends and qualified professionals rather than venting your frustrations in my direction. Maybe if you are honest with yourself, you'll realize that it's not me you are trying to hurt - it's yourself. It's nothing to be ashamed about. As far as I can tell, many of the greatest arch-rivalries in history have been based on exactly the same kind of repressed sexual desire channeled through aggression. Think about it.
Whatever the motive, this really has got to stop. Like I said, I'm honestly flattered at the amount of energy you have been putting into ruining my life, but it's been pretty damn inconvenient to tell you the truth. And more than that, I'm worried about you, Arch-Nemesis. It's simply not healthy, what you're doing. Lex Luthor ended up in a bad way and so could you.
Regards,
Matt Haws
An Open Letter to My Persistent Yet Unwelcome Arch-Nemesis
Dear Arch-Nemesis,
When I was three-to-five years old, I loved the movie "Superman II." In my childish innocence I regarded it as far superior to its predecessor, a blatant example of the inability of young minds to make informed value judgments. Nevertheless, I could quote all the lines in the film and was known to run about the house in my underwear pretending to fly. Since that time, however, I have never really cast myself as the archetypical superhero. I don't tend to think of myself as the star of my own comic book series. You will understand, then, my confusion at your startling determination to become my arch-nemesis and foil me at every turn.
I'm flattered by the attention, of course, but frankly I don't have time to deal with an arch-villain in my life right now. When I make a list of my daily priorities, I don't particularly want you to show up next to more important items such as washing my underwear or finding some purpose in a fragmented world . In fact, I feel I have done as much as possible to relegate you to a position of non-importance and obscurity in all of my mental maneuvering. I would be more than happy to let you go about your evil and petty life without interference of any kind. Live and let live, I say. Yet, for reasons that I cannot fully understand, you are clearly unsatisfied with any arrangement short of a battle to the death.
Not that you've been openly antagonistic. On the contrary, you've taken great care to treat me with warmth and congeniality whenever we actually meet in person. I can see right through you, Arch-Nemesis. I know what you say about me when I'm not around. I know how you actively seek my downfall through whatever means lie within your power. Oh, I know too well; I've got people. This false pretense of kindness, therefore, only makes you more reprehensible and bizarre. At least General Zod was straightforward. He never told Superman how happy he was for him, or how he hoped things would work out for the best. He just openly tried to kill him on several occasions. I can admire that kind of frankness. And when an exiled Kryptonian criminal bent on world-domination seems somehow more likeable than you, I think its time for some urgent self-evaluation.
I've spent some time lately trying to fathom your motives. As far as I can tell, I've done no egregious wrong to you or someone close to you. I've made no attempt to interfere with your elaborate and self-serving plans. When we first met each other in that acting class almost three years ago, there were never any signs of strained feelings between us. My interactions with you since then have always been limited and brief. You must understand that, from my point of view, your apparent hatred of me and everything I stand for seems a bit rash and unfounded. Perhaps you were simply in need of somebody to focus all the negative energies of your life on and I was in the right place at the right time. Am I just your emotional punching bag? If so, maybe you should focus on practicing the techniques you learned when you inexplicably started showing up to the yoga class I was taking. You'll feel much better, believe me.
Alternatively, it is possible, I suppose, that this ill-will is simply a cover for other, more complicated feelings that frighten you. After all, the strong passions you apparently hold for me indicate some kind of attachment beyond the friendly antagonism of Clark Kent and Perry White, if you catch my drift. Forgive my intrusion on such a delicate matter, but if you are experiencing confusion with your sexuality then I suggest you seek guidance from friends and qualified professionals rather than venting your frustrations in my direction. Maybe if you are honest with yourself, you'll realize that it's not me you are trying to hurt - it's yourself. It's nothing to be ashamed about. As far as I can tell, many of the greatest arch-rivalries in history have been based on exactly the same kind of repressed sexual desire channeled through aggression. Think about it.
Whatever the motive, this really has got to stop. Like I said, I'm honestly flattered at the amount of energy you have been putting into ruining my life, but it's been pretty damn inconvenient to tell you the truth. And more than that, I'm worried about you, Arch-Nemesis. It's simply not healthy, what you're doing. Lex Luthor ended up in a bad way and so could you.
Regards,
Matt Haws
Comments
I'm really not sure who this is talking about, but I do have some guesses. . .
Connie
http://www.grammarsam.blogspot.com