My favorite morning radio talk show, which I listen to religously while preparing for work each day, has a regular segment featuring lists of "Things That Must Go," in which they read submissions from listeners about things in life which bug or otherwise irritate them and which they believe should stop. These range from petty annoyances to major ideological clashes. Anyway, its great fun and, as I found, a good way to vent. I've come up with a couple that I may submit to the station. Here are a few of them that are certain not to offend anybody (which of course is my top priority):1.People who say “I don't like to read,” as if they are daring rebels who are boldly setting a new trend. You don't like to read – fine, thats your loss, but don't pretend like you are a member of a persecuted minority!
2.The phrase, “I'm not racist, but....” which is inevitably followed by something racist. If you really must give vent to whatever ignorant and simplistic ideas about race you have, at least be open about the fact that you are a bigot.
3.American waiters at a Brazilian restaurant who insist in speaking in Portugese in order to give you the “cultural flavor.” Yes, we're impressed you learned a language on your mission, but we don't understand what you are saying! You make me feel like an idiot when you ask a question, and I don't know what to respond because you aren't speaking English! See if YOU get a tip, Mr. Bilingual.
4. Mormon catchphrases. Really, no matter how sincere you are, its now impossible not to sound trite while saying, "I'm so grateful for this opportunity," "nourish and strengthen our bodies," "thankful for the moisture we have received," "with every fiber of my being," "each and every one of us," "at-one-ment," "eternal perspective," etc. etc. The English language contains a rich multitude of words, and I bet that with a little effort we can come up with new and interesting ways of expressing these same ideas.
5. And by the way, just because a joke was funny in General Conference it doesn't mean you should use in your sacrament meeting talk. And amusing anecdotes about your reaction to being asked to talk in the first place are very much out of style.
6. Gossip must go. You really have nothing better to do than to chat about my life? I don't even know you, why do you care??
7. People who have found great happiness in their life (and we are all very glad) but who believe with all their heart that the only way that YOU will ever be happy is to do exactly what THEY have done. I'm happy that you are happy, but I think its wrong of you to assume that what has made you happy will do the same for me. It very possibly might, but then again it might not. I call this the "one-size-fits-all" approach to life. I pity the person who patterns their life completely after somebody else in hopes of attaining that person's level of happiness. You'll never be happy unless you find it for yourself.
Well thats that. It's great fun. You should try it! Feel free to leave me a taste of your own "Things That Must Go." I'm interested in what irritates you, even if its me. Heaven knows I must go sometime too...
Comments
Also, did you know that at-one-ment is where the word ACTUALLY comes from? Isn't that nearly the worst thing ever. We have Wycliff to thank for that one. Without him, we'd still be talking of how Christ expiated for our sins.
Also - the idea that the less you paid for the particular item of clothing you're wearing, the better it is. Perhaps that is true if you're talking about the $600 Ralph Lauren jacket that you got on sale for $150, but it is definitely NOT true about the $2 shirt you bought at Savers. I'm more likely to be thinking uneasily about the microbes and living things hidden within its fibers than I am to be pleased at your high level of "thriftiness."
See "As Some Day It May Happen" in "The Mikado" by Gilbert and Sullivan. They wrote a whole song about things that must go.