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The Ambivalent Nerd

Though the infrequency of my blogging might suggest otherwise, I lead a quite full life full of interesting events that would, in theory, make great anecdotal posts. Unfortunately, most of these stories (such as the one from last weekend where I ended up with an ice pack on my groin – don't ask) are not exactly fit for the public at large, because they reveal aspects of my personal life I would prefer to keep hidden from those who still somehow have a good opinion of me or are just flat out too embarrassing.

Accordingly, there are a number of things that I do and enjoy every day that I never talk about my blog. It's time to come clean and confess everything. I'm sorry if this disappoints anybody, and I'll understand if, after hearing my big secret, you'll never want to talk to me again.

I am a nerd. A comic-book loving, D&D playing, fantasy-books reading nerd. Yes, I play Dungeons and Dragons. I am more recently known to my fellow D&Ders as Murphy McWatt, a level 7 human fighter, and to others as Davin Lightbringer, a level 11 paladin, and to some with a fine sense of nostalgia as Froderick von Brinsbane, a bard whose level didn't matter because he was only around for comic relief (and take my word for it, he was HILARIOUS). Yes, I own the D&D manuals and a set of dice. I confessed this once to a friend and he reacted as if I had just told him I was secretly a Muslim extremist. Seriously, it was like coming out of the closet or something. Because when you tell people you like stuff like that, the first thing they associate you with is those people who walk around campus wearing cloaks and chainmail and who are always practicing their sword fighting in the grassy areas. Thats why I keep my nerdy materials hidden carefully away in case anybody should get the wrong idea.

And thats what keeps me from being a completely inexcusable nerd, I think. I'm ambivalent about my nerdiness; I have anxieties about it. I'm aware of the silliness of it. For example, as a student of art and literature, I find it inexcusable the amount of time I've spent reading Lord of the Rings-rip-offs like “The Wheel of Time” series instead of getting to those great works I've yet to read like “War and Peace” and “Ulysses.” But at least I don't make those fantasy books the center of my life like SOME people I know of. Those people make me nervous.

For example, let me relate the story of when I went to the back room of one of those game stores in the mall (you know, the area where the nerds hang out all day and play Magic: the Gathering and argue about the rules) in order to buy my first set of dice. I was dressed up in my best metrosexual outfit, to try and distinguish myself from the hygienically challenged guys milling about back there. I was playing it super cool, really confident as if buying twenty-sided dice was the fashion for guys my age now days. Problem was, I wasn't very happy with the selection they had. I mean, all the dice were in ugly colors or just looked crappy like they were going to fall apart. I demand quality from everything in my life, even my role-playing dice. So I was taking my time browsing through my options when the guy behind the counter tries to strike up a conversation with me.

“Getting some dice?”

I don't look at him. “Yeah.”

“Looking for anything in particular?”

“Not really. Just browsing to make sure I find something I'm happy with.”

“Yeah,” he said, “I'm just like you. I like to find just the right set of dice to fit my character. It's important, I think.”

I freaked out. I wanted to run away shouting, I'm NOTHING like you! But I swallowed my pride and bought a set of dice which, to this day I think is horribly sub par. Another time, months and months later, I ended up back there and found myself arguing about D&D rules with this girl until I realized where I was and what I was doing and had a moment of internal horror. The strength of my reaction on these two occasions surprised me. Why was I so desperate not to be associated with these guys? I mean, personal hygiene and social skills aside, they really aren't all that different than me. We like a lot of the same things, if to a different extent. I mean, they are just people. What's the problem?

All this is really sort of a set-up to talk about the thing that has dominated my life for the past month. It's a insidiously addictive online game called World of Warcraft. Many of my friends have blogged about that game recently, most notably Luke and Ben, but I just had to add in my two cents. Never before have I encountered something that I simultaneously love and hate with such passion. The game is beautifully designed (if somewhat in a way calculated to make you spend hours and hours at a time on it), has gorgeous graphics and, when played with a group of your guy friends (me, Ben, Luke, Scott, and Rich took on a group of religious zealots earlier this week) forcing you to work together as a team in order to overcome obstacles, it can be more fun than any computer game has any right to be.

Why do I hate it then? World of Warcraft has a culture and a society all of its own, which is populated solely by thousands and thousands of those very same geeks who hang around in the back section of gaming stores, whose average age (both literally and mentally) is 12 and who are all, with few exceptions, male. And we're talking violence-loving, tragically insecure, excessively competitive, extremely homophobic male. And what kind of society is created from the combination of such individuals? Ever read “Lord of the Flies?” Me neither (I was reading “The Wheel of Time,” remember). But I have a suspicion its something like that. Its a culture based entirely on juvenile oneupmanship, on calling people names and proving you are the best because your little digital person has better digital armor than somebody elses. Its level-based hierarchy is just like in those families of all boys where the oldest picks on the next oldest and he turns and picks on the next oldest and so on and so forth until everybody is picking on everybody to try and make themselves feel better about having been picked on.

And, surprisingly enough, thats not something I want to be a part of. The game kind of requires you to interact with other players a lot, and thats not pleasant when 90% of them are incapable of normal communication. That's another pet peeve: WoW players have devised a fascinating dialect all of their own, full of shorthands and acronyms and slang belonging solely to the world of the game. Some are standard Internet lingo that can be useful when used in small doses (i.e., BRB for “be right back” or OMW for “on my way” or even LOL for “laugh out loud” as long as its not used too much). Some are simply lazy and have the effect of making anything you say look stupid (i.e., “u” and “ur” instead of “you” and “your,” childish slang like “pwned!” and ANY word with numbers replacing letters “n00b”).

So why don't I just quit? Sounds simple enough, doesn't it? I don't like the culture and the community in the game, which is a huge part of the game, so why don't I just stop? I'll tell you why: I CAN'T – I LOVE IT SO MUCH. The agony of defeat! The thrill of victory! The nice reward after a long hard quest! The gorgeous graphics! And most of all, the fun of inhabiting this bittersweet, fascinating world with some of the best buddies a guy could ask for. When it comes right down to it, the game is bigger than the losers who play it. It's worth putting up with them for.

I mean, I'm sure they are good people who, outside of the game, might actually not be caustic and irritating. But the sooner they realize that this is just a game and stop making fun of my equipment the better off we will all be!

So its a love/hate relationship. I mean, I love it, but I hate that I love it, and I love that I hate it. I love that I hate it even though I love it, or maybe I hate that I can't decide whether to love it or hate it. You get the idea.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's this sweet sword I, Andelm the level 35 Night Elf Warror, have just got to get my hands on.

Comments

Unknown said…
I agree with your observations of the "picked on" phenomenon. It infuriates me when level 60s vent their frustration at getting ganked at low levels, by ganking people significantly lower than them.

Now that I've sounded like a nerd, I'm going to hop online.
Anonymous said…
The secret was out long ago. I hear there is a video on the internet of you confessing.

-christy
Anonymous said…
There is a video of you confessing on the internet. Telly would gladly help you find the site, if only you promise to worship her evil ways forever, Davin Lightbringer, Paladin of Pansy-land. Ok, ok. Davin was pretty cool... but only when Telly was around to argue with him. Oh man. Good times. I feel all nostalgicky and wonderful now. Thanks. Yours truly, Telly!
Matt Haws said…
Update: I gave up World of Warcraft. Eventually the initial rush gave out, and the idiocy of the other players and the overwhelming time commitment required to enjoy the game past level 40 got to me. I went back to my first and only love, City of Heroes. Maybe I'll blog about it someday.

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