Skip to main content

A Survey I Filled Out Today

Every now and then I get e-mailed a random survey to fill out, which usually takes only a few minutes. The one I got today wanted me to actually write something down in answer to almost every question, which I thought was annoying. I was having a bad day at work too. So here's what they got:

We are interested in your feedback on an innovative new product.

Introducing PERFECT MEATLOAF - Tender, Juicy, Pefect Meatloaf!


Stop letting your meatloaf soaking in fat and getting mushy!

Introducing PERFECT MEATLOAF, the specially designed pan includes an air bake lifting tray that allows for fat to drain to the bottom of the pan.

Not just for meatloaf, the pan is great for roasted pork, stuffed peppers, and so much more!

Take The Below Survey:

1. Would you personally BUY the PERFECT MEATLOAF PAN?
Please explain why below:
I don't often prepare meatloaf, though in general I do enjoy a good meatloaf despite the fact that my mother, bless her heart, rarely made it when I was young and when she did it tasted like chalk and, as a result of this, I've only had really good meatloaf maybe a handful of times. Perhaps this is why I don't include meatloaf in my regular diet, and should I ever have the urge to have some I can't imagine endeavoring to make it myself.

2. On a scale of 1 to 5, how different is this product from what you've seen before?
MY RESPONSE: 5 (never saw anything like it before)
Please provide additional feedback on your choice:
It's certainly an original idea, though I wonder why it took so long for somebody to come up with this device. As a boy, I imagined 2011 would bring us flying cars, regular trips to the moon, and the cure for cancer. Instead, we have finally perfected the preparation of meatloaf. It is hard not to be cynical.

3. On a scale of 1 to 5, how big of a problem does this solve for you? 1 = (small/no problem), 5 = (huge problem).
MY RESPONSE: 1 (small/no problem)
Please provide additional feedback on your choice:
Cooking meatloaf well is not a challenge with which I am routinely presented, and even if it were I doubt I would think it a very large inconvenience if it didn't turn out all that great. I'm certain this invention will make many people's lives slightly less difficult, but I worry about the mindset of anybody who would mark down "huge problem" on this question. They are really missing the big picture or are very fragile people who need a hug.

4. If you saw this product advertised as an As Seen On TV product on television demonstrating how it worked would this make you (complete the sentence with the choices below):
MY RESPONSE: Less Likely to Purchase This Product
Please explain why below:
Typically I find infomercials and their ilk to be unconvincing and, if anything, they are more likely to convince me never to purchase the product in question. If you do run an advertisement for the meatloaf thing, please don't have a frantic, energetic salesman with an accent demonstrating the product to a middle-aged actress who is supposed to convince us she is a skeptical housewife who slowly comes around to believing the product will change her life. Avoid cliche! At least spruce up the formula. How about a drama? Did the salesman and the housewife once have an affair? Do they share a terrible secret? Give us back story and we'll keep tuning in!

5. Please tell us what you like most about the product:

MY RESPONSE: I enjoy the hand models in the advertising photos, shown holding up the perfect meatloaf triumphantly. You depict a large range of hands, and each one of them communicates just the right amount of pride and affection - and I bet its difficult to communicate anything when all that is shown are your hands holding a meatloaf. I wonder how one becomes a hand model. Do you submit handshots instead of headshots? Are there famous and iconic sets of hands within the hand model community that young models look at with envy? Is posing for a new meatloaf product a good job for hand models, are do they consider it a practical gig that pays the bills and wish they were pursuing hand photography of a more artistic nature? The mind boggles at the possibilities.

6. Please tell us what you do NOT like or what concerns you most about the product:

MY RESPONSE: I do have a concern about this product. Have you considered the ramifications of what you have created? I feel the single greatest objection to the meatloaf is not actually its taste, which in general is fine, but it's very shape. Let's face it: meat is not meant to exist the shape of a loaf of bread. It's unnatural. And here you have created a device that allows the meatloaf to keep its loaf-shape with perfect precision! You may in fact be making life easier for housewives everywhere, but at what cost? Millions of children scared away from the dish forever because they cannot wrap their little heads around the fact that dinner is a block of meat in the shape of bread. You are on dangerous territory.

7. Our product is not yet available in retail stores. Which of the following best describes how you would purchase the product if you saw our TV commercial:

MY RESPONSE: I would NOT buy the product.
Please explain why:
As I've said, I'd have very little personal use for this product. In addition, I never ever make purchases via phone because I have a terrible phobia of speaking to strangers on the phone. I'm sure your sales representatives are very friendly, but in my anxiety I would think they were judging me for buying a trivial product and would hang up out of mortification before the transaction was completed. In a store I would be much more likely to make the purchase, if only because of the attractive hand models displayed on the packaging.

8. Would you personally BUY the PERFECT MEATLOAF PAN for $14.99?
Please explain your answer:
This thing is $14.99? Wow. Got to pay those hand models somehow, I suppose. They probably have a union. No, I would not personally or impersonally purchase this pan. It's not you, its me. I'm just not the perfect meatloaf pan type.


Nick Greer said…
This is only tangentially related to the subject of your post, but I thought it goes well with the theme of dicking with people.

You may have seen this already:

It took Aaron 30 minutes to read because he kept balling up in fits of laughter. This means if you don't do the same you're a bad person.
Matt Haws said…
I have VIVID memories of reading that the first time. Ian and I had a similar difficulty getting through it because we were howling. When I read it again the fourth or fifth time (because the second or third time I laughed just as hard as the first) I was amazed how short it actually was because it had seemed to take so long to get through before!
Fiend said…
I just saw this on tv a few minutes. I have decided that it scares me...
Matt Haws said…
I know, right?? There's something ominous about it!

Popular posts from this blog

How Mormonism Made Me A Lefty

** All quotes from the Bible in this essay come from the King James Version, the translation favored by Mormons and thus the version with which I am most familiar. Also, as an English major and lover of Shakespeare, I have to say from a literary point of view it’s just prettier than more modern translations. That's the first of many of my opinions that you are about to read.
Introduction: Meet the Mormon Bourgeoisie
It was somewhere around 2003 or 2004. I was in my early twenties, a student at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. and a devout (though struggling with my faith) member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints -- a Mormon. One of the highlights of my time at BYU was Sunday dinner with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins in nearby Orem. One Sunday around that time, for reasons I do not remember, I not only came over for dinner but attended church with them as well. Instead of my usual campus-based congregation of fellow unmarried students, I went to S…

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story?

The release of Rogue One has caused a sharp rift through the Star Wars fans, certainly through the small community of Star Wars fans with whom I am most directly connected. For some, this is one of the best Star Wars films ever, in the ranks with the original trilogy (or at least very close to it), and for others it was sort of a boring mess. Thus, to an even greater extent than The Force Awakens about a year ago, this film has provoked reactions from various fans that are stark and clashing.

I find this fascinating. Star Wars is such a cultural touchstone for my generation that it has become a sort of universal connection -- you can always count on meeting people who like Star Wars, who are even enthusiastic about it, and being able to bond over that shared love. It’s a passion that has linked me to countless other men and women, and helped me form friendships with strangers by providing common ground. For all these decades we fans were in such agreement that Star Wars is awesome that…

My Two Cents: Is It Okay To Punch a Nazi?

It says something about the times we live in that this question has come up at all.

Is it okay to punch a nazi? Is it a morally permissible act to commit violence against somebody expressing even the most objectionable opinions?

I believe nazi is the perfect word to describe the sort of people I am talking about here. But let's call them what you will: alt-right white nationalists, fascists, whatever. There is nothing new under the sun, and we have seen their worldview before. They are nazis. Is it okay to punch them?

The sort of milquetoast liberal argument goes like this: we have freedom of speech in this country, which means all people have the right to express their views. Which means even though I don't like it, the neo-nazi movement (which has never been stronger, nor had more access to power) has every right to express its views and people who punch them are committing an immoral act.

To which I say I'm sure we'll have lots of time to hash this argument out when…