An Endless Cycle of Discouragement

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the forces of Fate are combined for one ultimate purpose: to defeat and destroy me. That may be dramatic and illogical, but it does give me a sense of importance I would otherwise lack; and, as I've said before, it is easier to accept cosmic enmity than cosmic apathy.

Not too long ago I was riding on a new surge of confidence after a highly successful audition for summer work. That confidence has been challenged by a grueling weekend of auditions for our upcoming mainstage shows. First off, let me say that I was screwed in the beginning, before the auditions even happened, because of the selection of the plays. They are great plays stuffed with great parts that I cannot play, for one reason or another. Most call for an age or a look or quality that I do not possess, or, even more likely, am not perceived by the powers that be to possess. A good chunk are beyond my admittedly raw and yet untrained acting capacitiy. So I went in to the process with modest expectations, not expecting a lead or anything of the sort. But I had in mind the kind of roles that I would probably be considered for. This was based upon years of being in shows in Utah, where I developed a sense of what people would cast me as. That sense, it turns out, is completely wrong in this new location.

In Utah, I was typecast as the young male lover: Romeo, Lysander, Claudio, Orlando, Sebastian - that sort of thing. Here, they have apparently decided I am a character actor. I will be playing Sir Andrew in an MFA directing student's production of Twelfth Night, which will be fun as it will be a lot of me prancing about the stage acting silly, trying to be manly, and crying a lot, but will hardly be demanding (I mean, it won't really require any acting, will it?). I will finish off the glorious semester in the mainstage production of "As You Like It" (which is nearly indistinguishable from Twelfth Night really... doing them back to back seems absurd) where I will be playing Amiens. If you don't remember the character, thats OK, I didn't either. Basically, I'll come on in two scenes and sing a song. I do like to sing, so this may not sound like a problem, but you should see the parts my fellow MFAs will be doing. My roommate, for instance, really has a chance to work and grow this semester as he plays Orsino in Twelfth Night and Orlando in As You Like It (albeit the two roles, like the two shows, are nearly indistinguishable). This isn't about ego or beng jealous of those in the limelight (well, its not completely about that). This about feeling like I'm not part of the team, not pulling my weight. Its a baseless insecurity. Its simply about the fact that I have less experience and polished technique and there were no roles that, in the opinion of my instructors, really suited me - things I don't really have control over at this point. So why should I freak out about it?

My old roommate Nick always tells me I need to develop a "screw you" attitude (thats the toned down version), so here's my shot. Screw you, bad situation! Screw you, fates! I must remember my commitment to idealism in despite of the harsh realities of life.If I don't feel like I'm really getting a shot to have good practical experience at becoming a stronger artist this semester, then I'll make my own experiences. I'll work extra hard outside of the official curriculum and take advantage of other opportunities to really stretch myself. There is such an opportunity coming up, and you better believe I'm going to take as much advantage of it as I can. I don't want to make it sound like a sure thing, because its not. And I don't want to say TOO much about it, because even if I get it I'm not at all sure how my friends and family will feel about it. But for a certain select few of you who are in the know, here's a little clue:

You think I'd look good in a wig? I have one in a box.